May 20, 2025 • 58 mins
TRIGGER WARNING: This episode contains material that may be harmful or traumatizing to some audiences.
In this week’s rewind episode, Eboné's guest bravely recounts the moment her relationship crossed the line from love to control — and ultimately, abuse. What started as a seemingly normal romance quickly spiraled into obsession, manipulation, and fear.
She opens up about the emotional rollercoaster of loving someone who became possessive and dangerous, the warning signs she wishes she had recognized sooner, and the inner strength it took to finally break free.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This episode contains sensitive topics. Listener discretion is advice. What's up,
Professional Homegirls? It's your girl Ebine here and I hope
all is cute. Now before we begin, let's do a
(00:22):
little housekeeping. Okay, make sure you all follow me on
social media at the Professional Homegirl on Instagram, YouTube, and TikTok,
and also at the PHG podcast on Instagram. You know,
I really need you all to support and follow these
channels because as I am growing the podcast, you know,
I would love to grow my social media platforms to
solidify some brand partnerships that I would like to work with.
(00:44):
So please hold me down, do not hold me up. Also,
we are just ten reviews away from hitting three hundred
on Apple podcasts. That is right, we are ten reviews
away from hitting three hundred and five star reviews on
Apple Podcasts. So please take a moment to leave a
five star review and show your girl some love. And
like your grandma said, if you don't have anything to say, nice,
(01:07):
do not say anything at all. And last, but not least,
as we are gearing up for season three, I am
looking for some stories. So if you have a story
you would like to share, or if you know somebody
whose story you love to have on the show, Please
make sure to email me and hello at thepsgpodcast dot com.
Now for this week's episode, I am taking it back
to one of the most unforgettable conversations from the early
(01:29):
days of the show. In this episode, my guest shares
her story about being in a relationship with someone who
was deeply obsessed with her. Now, what started off as
love quickly turned into control, manipulation, and unfortunately abuse. You know,
she opens up about her experience with domestic violence and
(01:50):
how hard it was for her to leave and what
it took to finally walk away, and most importantly, she
shares how she found her strength to heal and rebuild
her life on her own own terms. You know, this
is such a necessary conversation about the dark side of
toxic love, especially with just everything that's going on in
the world today, okay and now more than ever, it's
(02:11):
very important that we continue to share these stories and
create space for truth, healing, and last but not least community.
You know, I remember when I first recorded this episode,
and it was one of those conversations that like really
stayed with me after rewrap and you know, while we
were recording, I couldn't stop thinking about how many women
suffer in silence, how many of us, including myself, have
(02:34):
ignored red flags, you know, made excuses for these niggas,
or just stayed in situations that like really slowly but
surely chipped away at our own sense of self. So
that's why this episode hit me so hard. It was real,
it was raw, and it honestly reminded me exactly why
I started this show. So get ready, because my boyfriend
(02:56):
was obsessed with me.
Speaker 2 (02:57):
Starts now.
Speaker 1 (03:00):
I am so excited to be speaking with my guest today.
She is an author, professional baker, and I heard her
bakery is amazing, really good and as survivor of domestic
balance to my guests, thank you so much for coming
on the show. How are you.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
Feeling, I'm great, and thank you for having me.
Speaker 1 (03:18):
Of course, of course, so let's start from the beginning.
You were previously engaged before you met your ex boyfriend, right, yes,
tell us about that relationship.
Speaker 3 (03:31):
So I was with him for five years and it
was my first real relationship. So I was really naive
a lot about a lot of different things. But you know,
a little bit of trial and error basically just just
(03:55):
when it comes to relationships in general, like how nobody
should be treating you, how you shouldn't be allowing people
to treat you, how you should love yourself, how you
shouldn't allow other people to love you, Like, just a
lot of different things in regards to self love and
(04:15):
loving someone else. And there's a lot of things that
I put up with that I shouldn't have put up with.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
And basically, once it.
Speaker 3 (04:27):
Finally clicked for me that I wasn't with who I
should have been with, then I just wanted to candle
our wedding and basically be done with him. Not that
I left him for someone else. I left him to
find me right, to better myself and be who I
(04:50):
needed to be because I lost so much of myself
trying to be so much for him, right.
Speaker 1 (04:56):
And I don't know, I feel like when I was
watching your interview, was he also abusive?
Speaker 2 (05:02):
No? No, he never puts his hands on me or
anything like that. It was more more verbal abuse.
Speaker 3 (05:10):
It wasn't It wasn't physical abuse, but it was verbal abuse, right, Okay,
and emotional. So in the midst of you growing your
bacon business, because at this time y'all had split up
and yeah, who was starting over?
Speaker 1 (05:24):
You met your ex boyfriend?
Speaker 2 (05:26):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (05:27):
How did y'all meet?
Speaker 3 (05:29):
So I had already been baking for a few years.
I started baking at eighteen, so I was already baking
before I had met him. The way that I ended
up meeting my ex that was actually abusive was when
I left my ex fiance when I canceled my when
(05:52):
I canceled our wedding. Obviously, he wasn't very happy about that, so.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
I know he was.
Speaker 3 (06:01):
Yeah, yeah, he wasn't very happy about that. So I
ended up moving out and I told him that he
could keep the apartment and I was just gonna start over.
Speaker 2 (06:13):
Well, I ended up.
Speaker 3 (06:16):
Coming back to the apartment because he told me that
he couldn't afford it and I could just go ahead
and have it. So when I came back, just knowing
him over the years, I knew something was going to
be off. I knew something was wrong. I figured he
had like left the water on or let the lights
on or something like that, just something petty to just
get back at me.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
So when I got.
Speaker 3 (06:38):
Back to the house, I realized that he had taken everything,
the bed, the TV, the couch, you know, everything like that.
So you know, originally we were supposed to split that
stuff up, but you know, whatever, he just took everything.
So yeah, so I just had to start over on everything.
(07:01):
And I was in a very bad financial stance at
the time, and I had a friend that I.
Speaker 2 (07:09):
Had been friends with for a little while, and.
Speaker 3 (07:13):
He basically said that he wanted to move in as
a roommate to kind of help me get back on
my feet right. And when he ended up moving in,
we ended up, like soon being in a relationship. It
wasn't necessarily planned, but it just happened. And like before,
(07:40):
this was really the first person that I've ever really
opened up.
Speaker 1 (07:43):
To also comfortable opening up to.
Speaker 3 (07:47):
Him because he was actually somebody that wanted to get
to know me. Before when I would try to open
up to my ex fiance, he wasn't interested.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 3 (08:02):
It's basically like I was complaining about life by trying
trying to vent and it was also like how I
felt didn't matter, So I just didn't talk to him
about anything and I just kept everything aside. So this
(08:22):
was someone that you know, came into my life and
he wanted to know those things about me, you know,
he wanted to know a lot of different things about
me that I never even thought about expressing.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
So we started to get very close and the connection was.
Speaker 3 (08:42):
Crazy, and you know, we we fell in love really
fast and together it was not it was not long,
not long at all. Honestly, everything happened so fast. I
can't I want to say that we were probably only
(09:04):
together for maybe a few weeks to a month before
before things started to kind of get crazy. Like everything
was good at first, but then I started to notice
(09:31):
that he was jealous. And I was used to jealousy,
but not in the way that he was jealous, and
it made me uncomfortable. So I tried to talk to
one of my friends about it, and they were like, no,
you know, you just you've just gotten out of a relationship.
You know, you're probably just, you know, nervous that he's
going to turn out the same way that he was.
You know, give him a chance and give him the
(09:53):
opportunity to show you that he's not like that. And
I was like, Okay, you know that's valid, so let
me give him a try. So but looking back at that, now,
why do you think you didn't trust your gut feeling? Well, obviously,
now you know, I know to trust my gut feeling.
But at the same time, like, back then, you have
(10:15):
to think, this is only my second boyfriend. And I
also I felt I was in a vulnerable place right
and that was the perfect opportunity to find me. And
I was vulnerable. I needed financial stability, I needed emotional connection,
(10:37):
and I needed love. Yes, so he basically took that
opportunity and he ran with it. You know, I know
now to listen to my instincts, but back then I
just thought that I was tripping because when I would
talk to my friend about it, she would make it
seem like I was tripping. So I was like, Okay, well,
(10:58):
you know, maybe it's me. So I was like, no,
you know, there's something's off, but I couldn't exactly put
my finger on it. And I was like, well, maybe
I need to get him around some people, because it's
one thing for me to feel some a certain type
of way and tell somebody about it, but maybe if
(11:19):
they see it, they can tell me and confirm my feelings.
Speaker 2 (11:24):
So I didn't tell my family what was going on.
Speaker 3 (11:29):
I just told them that I wanted them to meet somebody,
and I wanted them to, you know, kind of see
how they.
Speaker 2 (11:36):
Felt about them.
Speaker 1 (11:37):
Right.
Speaker 3 (11:38):
So my cousin had came into town and he was
a police officer, so I was like, okay, you know,
this is the perfect opportunity for you know, me to
bring him around some people. He came in and it
was him, my uncle, my mom, and my sister, and
at first everything was fine. We were sitting there having
(11:59):
a conversation. And why my boyfriend decided to take some
drinks before we did this, I don't know, but he did.
Speaker 2 (12:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (12:08):
And also before I get to this point too, I
want to say that I think that he was schizophrenic
because a lot of times, whenever we would have some
type of argument or something would be wrong.
Speaker 2 (12:25):
It wasn't real, like it wasn't.
Speaker 3 (12:27):
Happening, but it was very real to him, and you
couldn't tell him anything like it was very real to him.
Speaker 1 (12:33):
So Y bakeup a scenario and yeah, I don't believe
that it happened you over here, Like what the hell
are you talking about, nigga?
Speaker 3 (12:41):
Yes, So, like at first everything was fine, and then
my uncle comes in and he hasn't seen me in
a while, so he's looking at the tattoos on my
arm and stuff, and he was like, okay, you know
I see you cuz you know I miss you, blah
blah blah whatever. We sitting there talking and I kind
of keep looking over at my boyfriend and he's side
(13:02):
eye at me, and.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
I'm like, okay whatever.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
So then but wait, did anybody else see how he
was looking at you?
Speaker 3 (13:10):
Nobody said anything, so I don't know if they felt
some type of way or not, because, like I said before,
my uncle, I mean, I'm sorry my cousin had walked in.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
Nothing was wrong.
Speaker 3 (13:22):
We were sitting there talking about going to church, like
we weren't having no type of issues or nothing. But
as soon as he saw my uncle, as soon as
he saw my cousin, he had an attitude. But you know,
black people, we come in all different shades and everything
like that. My cousin, he's light skinned, he has freckles
and you know, green eyes and stuff like that, so
(13:44):
he didn't believe that he.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
Was my cousin.
Speaker 3 (13:49):
Even though you're in a room with my mom, my uncle,
and my sister, he didn't believe it. So my cousin
he walks into the kitchen and my boyfriend he was like, hey,
you know, why don't you go in there, and you know,
spend some time with your cousin. You know you haven't
seen him in a while, you know, go talk to him.
(14:10):
I was like, okay, cool, So I'll go in there
and I give him another hug. And as I give
him a hug, I look over his shoulder and my
boyfriend's glaring at me, and I'm like, why is he
looking at me like this? So at that point I
didn't need to know anybody else's opinion. I didn't want
I didn't want anything to do with him anymore, because
(14:32):
there's no reason that you need to be giving me
these type of weird ass vibes like this, right, So
we prayed over the food.
Speaker 2 (14:39):
We didn't even eat. After we prayed over.
Speaker 3 (14:41):
The food, we just left because I lost my appetite
and everything, like we need to go because I was
gonna break up with him as soon as we got
in the car.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
So we we.
Speaker 3 (14:56):
Start walking out to the car and he's like storming off.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
I'm like, what the hell is his problem?
Speaker 3 (15:02):
So then he gets out to the car and he
was like, bitch, you got some balls, yeah, And I
was like what And he was like, you don't let
that nigga grab your ass.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
Right in front of me. I was like, what are
you talking about? Thank you? Thank you, that's what I'm saying.
That's what I'm saying. This is not real.
Speaker 3 (15:24):
This isn't something that literally happened. Like I literally just
gave my blood cousin they hug. That wasn't something that
literally happened. So I was like, what are you talking about? Yeah,
like what you talking about? He was like, take me
back to the house, let me grab my stuff. I
don't never want to fucking see you again. I was like, okay,
I don't ever want to see you again either. What
are you talking about? So I start driving back to
(15:46):
the house and he lights a cigarette and he puts
a cigarette out on me, and then he spits on me.
Driving on the interstate, and he starts swerving the steering wheel,
so I'm like barely missing cars. We get back to
the house and he starts packing his stuff and I
(16:08):
start trying to help him pack his stuff because you
need to go, like so he gets mad that I'm
helping him pack his stuff, Like I don't know what
he was expecting, Like, I'm.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
Gonna with you to stay. But he was like, did
you call the police?
Speaker 3 (16:23):
I said no, I didn't call the police, Like I
just want you to go, like you need to get
the fuck out, and.
Speaker 2 (16:30):
He was like, he was like, no, I know you
called the police.
Speaker 3 (16:33):
And he had like this big it was like a
sword and I had like some little intricate designs.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
On the bottom of it. Wait a sword, yeah, like
a long sword. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (16:46):
And he like chased me into the spare bedroom and
at first he held the sword to my stomach and
he said, if the police come in here, I'm killing you,
and then I'm killing me and he held it to
my throat and then I ended up running and getting
away from him, and he caught me. He hit me
(17:07):
on my eye. He hit me on my nose. And
the crazy thing about this part is like when he
hit me in my nose, my nose started bleeding and
it was like it was like he didn't do it.
So he went and he grabbed some tissue and he
starts like dotting the blood from my nose, and I
(17:29):
like pushed him away from me, and so then he
hits me again.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
So this nigga was.
Speaker 3 (17:39):
Yeah, So then he wants to go get he found
a lock, and he wants to go try to find
a sock so he could put it in the side
of it so he could beat me with it, so
that I ran. I had ran out the house, and
he ended up grabbing me, pulling me back into the house,
and he raped me. When he raped me, I have
(18:00):
blacked out, Like I don't even remember anything until the
next morning.
Speaker 1 (18:04):
Wait, nobody hurt was no, Like your neighbors didn't hear
nothing going on, Like, because I'm pretty sure.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
You were not loud exactly exactly nobody.
Speaker 3 (18:15):
Okay, So all of this when it comes to abuse,
all of this happened within a month's time. So the
thing is, I would scream so loud in the bathroom
and I would get it worse because I was screaming
so loud in the bathroom because I was trying to
(18:36):
get my neighbors to hear me.
Speaker 2 (18:37):
But nobody ever came. Nobody ever came.
Speaker 3 (18:40):
Like they would get mad and they would like throw
stuff at my car.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
Yeah, oh, and I would I would.
Speaker 3 (18:47):
Come out and have to clean up clean up my
car because I would have like mud on it, like
nobody nobody ever came for me.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Nobody. So then the next morning I woke up and.
Speaker 3 (19:05):
I tried to call the police, and he was like,
he told me that if he goes to jail, he's
not going to be in there long. And when he
gets out, he knows my schedule, he knows where I live,
he knows where I work, he knows everywhere I go.
(19:26):
And he said, I'm gonna kill you, and I'm gonna
rape your sister, and I'm going to torture your uncle.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
When I heard you said that in another interview that
you did, I feel like that was one of the
reasons why you stay longer, because you want to.
Speaker 3 (19:50):
Get family exactly, because at that point, it was basically like,
not only did I get myself in a situation, I
got them in a situation, right And you know, they
kind of got upset with me because I stayed, But
I didn't stay out of love. I stayed out of fear,
you know, and act. Yeah, And it's it's not that
(20:14):
they couldn't handle themselves. Is the fact that they shouldn't
have to They shouldn't have to watch after me all
the time because I made a bad mistake. They shouldn't
have to be looking over their shoulder and be scared
because it's something that I got them involved in.
Speaker 2 (20:29):
So basically, I had.
Speaker 3 (20:31):
I felt like I needed to get out of that
situation myself because I got myself in it.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
So and that's what I thought to do.
Speaker 3 (20:44):
And you know, the thing about him saying that he
was gonna be out of jail quick, that was real,
that was something that actually happened.
Speaker 1 (20:55):
So before.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
Yes, yes, he's now.
Speaker 3 (21:02):
I didn't know about this until after I finally got
a chance to call the police, which is like later.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
On down the line the I have.
Speaker 3 (21:15):
I have repression, So there's like certain points in areas
that I don't necessarily remember because it's something that's too
traumatizing for me.
Speaker 2 (21:25):
I literally don't remember.
Speaker 3 (21:26):
It out so yeah, my mind will just get rid
of it. So that's that's part part of the reason
why I write, because it helps me put the pieces
of my life together.
Speaker 2 (21:36):
You know, That's why I said.
Speaker 1 (21:39):
No, I was gonna say that's very common with people
who experienced trauma, that because your mind is trying to
pretty much like protect you.
Speaker 3 (21:48):
Yeah, So that's why I don't necessarily know how long
it was before all of this happened. I just know
it wasn't long, and I know one he was abusive.
I was only with him for like a few weeks
to a month while he was still abusing me, and
(22:08):
I just stayed with him until I felt like I
wasn't afraid of him anymore, because if I was going
to get away from him, I didn't want to spend
the rest of my life looking over my shoulder. I
didn't want to spend the rest of my life worried about, well,
all is he going to find me? You know, I
don't want to be scared for the rest of my life.
So I had to stop being afraid of him because
he's already taken so much of me. I can't I
(22:30):
can't allow him to have that part of me too.
So the day I finally realized that I would, I
stopped being afraid of him.
Speaker 2 (22:39):
We were at his grandma's house. Mind you, you're.
Speaker 1 (22:42):
Going to slow up, slow up? So wait, did anybody
notice anything different about you during this time? Because I'm
pretty you had the bruises to show forward.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
No. So, okay, here's the thing.
Speaker 3 (22:59):
If I had well, when I had bruises, nobody was
allowed to see me, and if I was traumatized, nobody
was allowed to see me, so he would keep.
Speaker 2 (23:08):
Me from work.
Speaker 3 (23:10):
Another thing is he had two jobs when he moved
in to help me pay for you know, everything that
was going on when he started abusing me.
Speaker 2 (23:17):
He quit both of his jobs to stock me full times.
Another thing is.
Speaker 1 (23:22):
So when he wasn't work, he quit both jobs. Yes, ma'am,
And you was at the house, Yes, that is crazy. Yes,
so he knew where I was where all times. Everything,
At all times.
Speaker 3 (23:37):
I had to answer every text, every phone call, every everything,
because I was on a schedule, you know what I mean,
Like I was hit, like I belonged to him. I
even like even when it came to work, I used
to have to go home on my lunch breaks to
(23:58):
spend it, to spend it with him, to make sure
that I wasn't around anybody else. If I was abused
the day before, I wasn't allowed to go to work
the next day because nobody could see that I was traumatized.
Nobody could see that I had bruises or anything like that.
So you know how I said he had hit me
(24:18):
in my eye. My eye was swollen shut. When my
eye was swollen shut, what he did was he pried
it open repeatedly until it would finally stay open, until
it was bloodshot red, and he sent me to work
to tell them that I had pink eye, so they
sent me back home so I could be with him,
(24:40):
and had me call my mom and tell her that
I have pink eye. My mom even showed up to
my house to give me medicine for peinky. So it
was it was crazy what happened. I met her outside
and like I couldn't even see her long. I had
(25:02):
a dog at the time, and he let my dog loose,
so I had to run and go chase my dog,
so I couldn't spend any time talking to my mom. Yeah,
and I always thought that with my dog, if anything
was to ever happen, he would protect me, because when
(25:23):
I was with my ex fiance, like if we would argue,
my dog he would lick the tears off my face
and bark at him. But when I was in my
abusive relationship, he didn't do anything. He sat on the
couch and he was like trembling.
Speaker 1 (25:40):
But he was scared too.
Speaker 3 (25:42):
Yeah, so it was crazy. Nobody nobody ever saw me.
I dropped a lot of weight, and like you could
definitely tell there was something wrong with me, but nobody
knew what it was.
Speaker 1 (26:00):
They shared the story about your niece she didn't recognize you.
Speaker 2 (26:04):
Yes, okay.
Speaker 3 (26:05):
So there was two times where he finally let me
see my friends and family. One of the times I
went to go see my friends and we were at
my friend's house and we're, you know, having fun or whatever.
He calls me and my friend takes my phone and
she was like, sorry, just can't answer the phone right now,
(26:27):
and he goes off on her. I don't know what
he said to her, but I know he went off
on her by the look on her face. And she
handed me, handed me the phone, and he was like, bitch,
you need to get home.
Speaker 2 (26:40):
Now, blah blah blah whatever.
Speaker 3 (26:42):
And so then, like my friends, they were saying, you know,
you need to get away from him, that that's that's
not safe. He can't be talking to you like that.
I was wrong with him, blah blah blah. And I
didn't want to get them involved. I was scared to
get them in because I had already got my family involved.
(27:02):
So I knew that I couldn't be with him. I
knew that I wasn't safe, but I also knew that
they weren't safe if they tried to save me. So
I said whatever I could say to keep them away
from me. I needed to Basically, I needed them to
be mad at me enough to have them leave me alone.
So I was just like, oh, you know, his dick's
too good, right.
Speaker 2 (27:22):
And.
Speaker 3 (27:25):
They obviously were pissed off and they were like no,
like that's not enough for you to stay with him,
Like that's not okay, that's not that's not something that
you are you should be putting up with. And I
was like, I know, but I couldn't. I couldn't say that.
I was just like, you know, it is, it is
what it is. I love him, I need to stay
with him. And so they were pissed and I left.
(27:46):
The time that I saw my family, I had walked
in the house and I had walked in my sister's
house and I always would see my nieces, and you know,
we had a good relationship. When I walked in the house,
one of them I had hugged them, and then the
other one I hugged and she kind of pulled away
(28:07):
from me a little bit, and I thought, she said
how are you? And I said I'm good, baby, how
are you? She said, no, who are you? And I
said I'm Auntie. She said, oh, hi, Auntie, and she
just went to go play, and just the fact that
(28:28):
she did not recognize me was just that still gives me, honestly, Like,
I don't I never thought. I felt like I was
trying to protect everybody, and I never thought that they
could still see that I wasn't me, you know what
I mean, especially especially with it being kids, Like that
(28:49):
was hard for me, that that was that's not my kids,
but that's my kids, you know, that's my baby's And
that was hard for me. But I wasn't able to
stay there long either. He ended up calling me, and
like I went upstairs to answer the phone because I
didn't want them to hear the conversation, and I ended
(29:10):
up leaving. And my sister and my family they knew
something was up, Like they didn't know what was wrong,
but they knew that something was wrong, like why you
answered the phone upstairs? Like why haven't we seen you?
Why are you losing so much weight? Like they knew
something was wrong, but they didn't know what was wrong.
Speaker 1 (29:29):
So I'm assuming that I'm assuming that your family liked him.
Speaker 3 (29:36):
No no, no, no, they didn't like him. They definitely
didn't like him, but they didn't know why I was
with him. They didn't like him, they didn't trust him,
Like after that night that they that we were together
when we left, after like after I was finally able
to really talk to them, they told me that, you know,
(29:58):
they was pretty much ready to fight him, Like they
didn't they didn't like him, the energy that he was bringing.
They knew something was wrong, but they didn't know it
was to that extent, because.
Speaker 2 (30:11):
You it's it was.
Speaker 3 (30:13):
Literally like two different people talking to him, like it
was like Jacklin Hide, like he just he had like
a completely different persona to him, and like they didn't
like him, but they didn't know that it was like that.
Speaker 2 (30:31):
M So.
Speaker 3 (30:35):
I ended up leaving and you know, going back home,
and that was act. But the day I realized that
I finally stopped being afraid of him, we were at
his grandma's house. And now the thing with his family
is his family and his friends, they didn't know that
he was a beast towards me because the stuff that
(30:57):
he would do, like before hand, he would try to
hide it, but after a while he couldn't hide it anymore, so.
Speaker 1 (31:05):
He would do it in front of his family and friends. Yes,
So that says a lot right there.
Speaker 3 (31:11):
Yeah, And I think I think that his family was
afraid of him because basically, any time he would get outraged,
they would just kick us out, like they wouldn't. They
wouldn't try to help the situation, like nothing was done,
like they they would just kick us out and that
would just be that, like they didn't. They don't want
(31:32):
to see it. They didn't want to be a part
of it. So we were at his grandma's house and
at this point I wasn't supposed to make eye contact
with people. He told me that the eyes of the
window to the soul, so nobody should be making direct
eye contact with me except for him.
Speaker 4 (31:51):
So yeah, so at this point you just stay in
the house. Yeah, but he wanted to party every night,
so we would go out with his friends and his
family and he would want to party.
Speaker 3 (32:06):
So but he didn't want me to make eye contact
with anybody. So his cousin had came in, and when
his cousin, when his cousin came in, he said hi
to the both of us, and when he said hi
to me, he got mad because he thought that we
looked at each other. And at this point he had
taken my gun because I had a gun. But like
(32:28):
after he started abusing me, he obviously took it from
me and at that point it was his. So so
he had my gun in his pocket or whatever, and
he's going off and he was like, oh, you fucking her,
and y'all I knew you was a hoe and all
this other stuff like just going off. I'm like, bro, like,
what the fuck are you even talking about? Like all
(32:49):
he did was say hi, like what is your problem?
And so his grandma was like, uhh, y'all not gonna
be doing all that up in here, and she ended
up kicking us out. So when he when when she
kicks us out, he was talking about shooting his tires
out and he was like he ain't never gonna be
able to see you again. I can't believe you'd be
(33:10):
coming out here and seeing him and all this shit
y'all got going. I'm like, bro, like that's not happening,
Like that's not real.
Speaker 2 (33:16):
Like no, So we ended up getting into the car.
We got in a car and.
Speaker 3 (33:27):
At this point he points the gun at me and
I'm driving on the interstate and he was like, I
should kill you. And at this point, like I felt
like there wasn't anything else that he could do. To me,
like you've literally done anything that you could possibly do
(33:48):
to me, and this isn't no way for me to live.
So if you're gonna do it, like stop talking about it,
just fucking do it. So I said pull it and
he said what he said, you think I won't?
Speaker 2 (33:59):
I said pull it. So he put the gun in
my head and he said I should kill you.
Speaker 3 (34:05):
And I just started screaming and I started driving faster,
and I said.
Speaker 2 (34:09):
Pull it, pull it, pull it, and I just went
crazy and wow, I put the gun down. Yeah, just here.
Speaker 1 (34:20):
And that part also make me just like my heart
breaks for you because at that point you were just
you get you, you was you was done?
Speaker 2 (34:27):
Yeah, I was done.
Speaker 3 (34:29):
And at this point and if you would have shot me,
we both would have been dead. I'm on to Intersey
Drive and like what are you talking about? Like we're
both about to die? Like I can't, I can't do
this anymore. And I just had got to the point
where it was just like this, this, this is not living.
Like what am I holding on to life for? If
this is what life is, I'm not doing it. So
(34:54):
he at that point I scared him, and he put
the gun down and he was quiet the rest of
the car ride, and like he was cool the rest
of the night. But that was when I realized that
I wasn't scared. I wasn't scared of him anymore. So
(35:14):
basically it was a matter of how am I going
to get away from him? So when I planned on
getting away from him, the only way that I could
think to do it was to get to work to
be able to call the police. So usually, like I said,
if we fought the night before, I could not go
to work because nobody can see that I'm traumatized.
Speaker 2 (35:34):
Nobody can see that I have bruises, none of that stuff.
Speaker 3 (35:37):
So I needed to get through a day without fighting
with him, And it was an everyday thing like I
couldn't even I couldn't even use the restroom by myself.
I had to have the door open while I'm using
the restroom because he needed to see and make sure
that I'm not I'm not on the phone trying to
call the police, I'm not trying to text another man.
Speaker 2 (35:59):
I'm not.
Speaker 3 (36:01):
I'm not trying to do something to try to fight
him with or whatever. So anything that I was doing,
he had to know what I was doing. Even phone calls,
phone calls had to be answered on speakerphone so he
can hear what we're talking about. He went through all
my text messages to know what I'm talking about everything.
So anyways, I needed to I needed to be able
(36:28):
to get to work, to be able to call the police.
And the reason why I never called the police before
is because that whole time, I was still afraid of him,
and I thought that if I put him in jail,
he would have came back after me. But at that point,
since I wasn't afraid of him anymore, it was just
like fucking he come back after me.
Speaker 2 (36:44):
He gonna have to. He know that we're gonna be fighting.
Speaker 3 (36:48):
So the next day, I think it was the weekend,
I want to say it was like a Sunday or something.
I don't know, but we had went to one of
his friends' parties and we get to the party. I
didn't even want to do anything at the party because
(37:11):
I already know how he operates. So I went into
a room by myself and I found in the Rubik's
Cube in there, and I started playing with the Rubi's Cube.
I just need something to occupy my time with and
and and just be busy, like I need to do
something that's not going to have me fighting. We were
(37:41):
at the party and people keep walking past and they
were like, uh, you know, why don't you come join
the party, blah blah blah, you know why you're hear
by your cell phone?
Speaker 2 (37:50):
Was like, no, I'm good. You know, y'all go out there,
y'all have fun. I'm good.
Speaker 3 (37:54):
And so then he comes in there and he was like,
why you went here being weird? Sitting here playing on
the Ruber's Cube And he was like, you're in here
trying to be all sexy and shit because I have
my legs crossed. He's like, you in here trying to
be all sexy and shit, you know, trying to attract
all these men.
Speaker 2 (38:12):
I'm like, oh my god.
Speaker 3 (38:13):
So then he was like, he was like, I want
you to come out here and enjoy the party. I
was like, no, I don't want to enjoy the party,
Like I don't want to fight with you tonight, Like
I'm just trying to have a cool night. He was like, no,
you know, we're not gonna fight.
Speaker 2 (38:25):
We okay.
Speaker 3 (38:26):
He was like, We're not gonna fight tonight. I just
want I just want us to, you know, go enjoy
the party. I was like, okay, So we go out
to the party. Soon as we go out there, they
had a bartender. Now we're at somebody's house. So says,
we're asked somebody's house.
Speaker 2 (38:45):
I don't know what type of drink this man makes.
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (38:49):
So he asked me what type of drink I wanted
and I said, I don't know. Surprise me. So here
goes my boyfriend. He gets mad again and he was like, oh,
you know him, Joe. He gets mad and he starts
punching me in front of the whole party. So everybody
starts grabbing him off of me, and they're trying to
(39:11):
like push us away from each other. I have one
of his friends walking past me and they like whispered
in my ear. Get out while you still can. The
girls they tried to talk to me and they were like,
are you living with him? And I was like yeah,
and they were like, how are you going to get away?
I was like I don't know, and I was like
I'm trying to figure it out, and they were like,
(39:33):
oh my god. And I was like, I know, I'm trying.
I don't know what to do, but I'm trying to
figure it out. I was like, I was like, it's.
Speaker 2 (39:40):
Been like this, And so then we ended up getting.
Speaker 3 (39:44):
Kicked out of the party because the whole time at
that point, they had to keep pulling him off of me,
because anytime I would get away, he would just come
and attack me again. So they just kicked us out
of the party. So we ended up leaving and we
ended up going back home. When we went back home,
he shut all the lights off in the house, and
(40:08):
he got a lighter and some hairspray and he made
a blow torch and he chased me around the house
in the dark with the blow torch, and then he
turned the lights on.
Speaker 2 (40:20):
He told me I had.
Speaker 3 (40:21):
Beautiful flesh, and he went and got some seasoning salt
and ketch up and he poured it on me, and
he started biting at me, not like biting actually into
like break skin. It was basically just to like torment
me and traumatize me. And he just like bit at
me for like the rest of the night. And at
(40:42):
this point, my phone's dead.
Speaker 2 (40:46):
I don't know where my phone is.
Speaker 3 (40:50):
And I needed my alarm to go off to be
able to get to work. I knew that since we fought,
I wasn't gonna be able to get to work, to
be able to call the police, and it was just
it was a big mess. So I didn't know how
I was gonna do what I needed to do. So
I prayed and I was like, you know, if you
can get me out of this situation, I will make
(41:12):
sure that I'm never in the situation again, Like I
will do whatever I need to do to fix me
and to fix my situation by myself, Like, just please
get me out of this situation. I can't I can't
do this by myself anymore. And usually my alarm would
go off at seven point thirty, I said, seven twenty seven,
a little blackbird came and staying next to my window,
(41:34):
and I woke up.
Speaker 2 (41:35):
What is Sally?
Speaker 1 (41:36):
What do you think that blackbird symbolized? And during that moment.
Speaker 2 (41:40):
So I had looked it up and it was like.
Speaker 3 (41:44):
My representation of it was like it said it was
a messenger bird, And you know, I felt like that
that was God telling me, like you this is what
you prayed for, Like, like show me what you're gonna do.
We usually usually he he was always up before me
(42:05):
because he needed to make sure that I'm not doing
something I'm not supposed to be doing, so he would
always be up before me. This time, he was still
drunk and he couldn't move out of the bed, and
I was able to get dressed and be able to
leave and go to work. And when I got to work,
(42:28):
I had talked to my manager, and my manager she
didn't exactly know what was going on, but she knows
that I've been off and she knows I wasn't myself,
so I had.
Speaker 2 (42:41):
I had told her what was going on, and I
told her I.
Speaker 3 (42:46):
Needed to call the police because if if there was
ever a time where he did come back, I needed
her to know that he was not supposed to be there.
Speaker 2 (42:54):
So I I called the police.
Speaker 3 (43:00):
When I talked to the police, I didn't know if
I was gonna be able to put him in jail
because nobody had ever saw me being abused, so I
didn't have any bruises on me.
Speaker 2 (43:14):
I didn't know.
Speaker 3 (43:16):
Yeah, I had no evidence, so I was like, I
don't know how I'm gonna put him in jail.
Speaker 2 (43:20):
But I found out that he had he had a
worn out.
Speaker 3 (43:26):
For child support, so I called them and I was like, hey,
it's a man in my house. He has a worn
out for child support. Can you please come get him?
And so they pulled up, and you know, I went
to go talk talk to him in his car, and
I was like, listen, I said, I know that I
called y all about the warrant, but this man has
(43:48):
been beating on me and I don't know what to do.
Speaker 2 (43:52):
I need him out of my house and I'm not safe.
Speaker 3 (43:57):
And he looked up his record. And when he looked
up his record, he was like, I'm not going in
there by myself. He said, he has a warrant, he
has a history of violence. I'm not going in there
by myself. So he called for backup. When he called
for backup, he said, I don't even want you to
be here when we take him to jail. So they
(44:19):
had me give them my key, and I went to
McDonald's and then after they arrested him, they came back
and gave me back my key, and you know, went
ahead and took him to jail. Now, later on I
ended up looking up his record before.
Speaker 2 (44:37):
Me, he had.
Speaker 3 (44:41):
He had a charge for what was it domestic violence
and it was confinement of a minor and the mother.
And then after me there's also been two other counts.
(45:08):
Why this man is still out on the streets, I
don't know.
Speaker 1 (45:11):
So he's out of jail now.
Speaker 3 (45:14):
Yeah, he wasn't even in there long for me. They
told me that he was supposed to be in jail
for at least thirty days for the child support. He
got bailed out in three days. In there for three days.
And when they bailed him out, it was on my birthday.
You know, Usually you'll wake up, you'll have like a
(45:36):
lot of messages like on Facebook and Instagram and stuff
like that for like happy birthdays. So I woke up
to a whole bunch of messages and I'm thinking that's
what it was. No, I had eighty seven miss text
messages and like thirty seven missed phone calls. Every single
one of them was from him, And he was like
at first, just started off all nights and he was like, baby,
(45:58):
I'm out of jail and I'm on my way. I
can't wait to see you when I love you and
I miss you. I got out for your birthday, like
oh stuff, and yeah, and then like I had talked
to I had talked to my family and I let
them know what had been going on. Because if they
(46:18):
saw him around, they needed to know that he was
not supposed to be there. So somebody, somebody has sent
him a message saying, you know, you need to leave
you the loan.
Speaker 2 (46:31):
You know you you come around blah blah blah.
Speaker 3 (46:34):
And so he sends me the message and he was like, oh,
you got a new nigga already. I knew you was
fucking around. Like just escalated from there. Yeah, and he
was like, well, I'm He was like, I'm coming back.
I'm gonna beat your ass. I'm gonna do this, and
I'm gonna do that, blah blah blah whatever. So I'm like,
what the fuck.
Speaker 2 (46:54):
So then.
Speaker 3 (46:58):
Trying to reach out to you recently, No no, no, no, no,
hell no, no.
Speaker 2 (47:03):
He hasn't.
Speaker 3 (47:04):
It was it was literally only that day and he
was trying to get his stuff. I took all his
stuff to his grandma's house, and his grandma was saying that,
you know, they never really had him at any family
functions because he would always like be outraged and he
would basically ruin the party because everybody will be having
(47:28):
a good time, but he would just blow up because
of whatever, and he would ruin parties and stuff.
Speaker 2 (47:34):
Like that.
Speaker 3 (47:34):
So you know he has a history of this. You know,
this is this is somebody he's always been. Like I said,
I don't know why this man is still out. I
don't know why he's able to just roam this earth
like he's not destroying people and things and everything, Like
I don't I don't get it. So so anyways, I
(47:58):
ended up giving his grandma all his stuff, and I
ended up going back home and he was talking about
he was gonna kill himself and all this stuff, and
I was just like, I don't care.
Speaker 2 (48:09):
And so then.
Speaker 3 (48:15):
He finally stopped messaging me because I think he just
realized I was a different person at that point, and
I think he could realize that I wasn't afraid of
him anymore, and I think it genuinely bothered him. And
I also think that he just didn't want to go
back to jail, so so he he never reached out
(48:36):
to me after that. The only other time that I
saw him is I was actually decorating, or not decorating.
I was delivering a cake order and he was at
the party and it was like he knew that I
was going to be there because he was sitting in
the dark on some stairs, and like, I could see
the lining of his body.
Speaker 2 (48:54):
I know that man anywhere.
Speaker 3 (48:56):
I could see the lining of his body, and he
was just sitting there staring at me, and I just left.
And that was the only time that had seen him.
After that, He's never messaged me or anything after that.
But I also had him blocked, like after after I
put him in jail, I blocked him and his messages
and stuff like that.
Speaker 1 (49:15):
So yeah, so what is your relationship like with yourself
now and what role did healing play in it?
Speaker 2 (49:25):
So it took a lot of healing and.
Speaker 3 (49:30):
Forgiving myself, forgiving myself for putting myself in a situation,
forgiving myself, for for not loving myself more for not
for allowing myself to be in a certain situation. So
I had to do a lot of self reflection. But
I also had to do I had to work on
(49:51):
my trust. I had to learn how to trust other people,
had to learn to trust my instincts.
Speaker 2 (49:55):
I had to learn.
Speaker 3 (49:58):
To defend myself. I had to learn a lot of
different things. I had to learn to love myself. Loving
myself was hard for a long time, Like I couldn't
even look at myself in the mirror, because there's so
much shame that comes with being in a domestic violence situation,
because even though they're the monster that has done all
(50:21):
these things, everybody's mad at you and they're like, well,
why would you do this? You know all these all
these good men out here, all these good men out here,
and you know, you decided you wanted to be with
this one. And if like, there's there's no sign up
sheet for abuse, Like if I knew that that was
the outcome of him moving in, if I knew that
(50:43):
was an outcome of me loving him, I would have
never been with him in the first place, right, And
I felt like I would have been safe. I want
to stayed longer, you know what I mean. So it
was it was a lot of different things that people
didn't understand. So then I had to learn to be
okay with people not understanding. I had to learn to
(51:03):
be okay with people not wanting to hear my side
of the story. I had to be okay with people
looking down on me because I was abused. I had
to be okay with a lot of different things just
to be able to heal and to love myself and
to be able to move forward in life, but I
(51:25):
did it, and I do love myself and I do
care about myself.
Speaker 2 (51:28):
I care about my well my well being, and.
Speaker 3 (51:32):
I'm very proud of myself, you know what I mean,
Like I don't I'm definitely not a perfect person, but
I'm definitely an amazing person. And I think that you know,
the fact that there's a lot of different times that
I could have died and I'm still here. There's a
(51:52):
lot of different times where I could have hurt other
people because of what I was going through.
Speaker 2 (51:56):
And no one else got hurt, you know, So.
Speaker 3 (52:04):
A lot of I feel like a lot of times
when we go through traumatic experiences, people get mad at God,
like you know, why is this happening? And you know,
I didn't deserve this and everything like that, and absolutely
like I don't deserve this. But however, the fact that
I am still here and I don't have a scratch
(52:25):
on me, the fact that I am still here and
I'm able to love again, I'm able to trust again,
I'm able to heal, I'm able to love, the fact
that I'm still able to grow and prosper, and you know,
do these amazing things in the world. Was God's grace
for me, So I can't. I can't sit and be
(52:46):
mad at God for certain decisions that I've made and
certain decisions that other people have made.
Speaker 2 (52:53):
And I also can't.
Speaker 3 (52:56):
Put so much on myself either, because so many people,
like when I would tell my story, they would be like,
you know, well, why did you do this?
Speaker 2 (53:05):
Well, why'd you go pick him up? Why'd you do this? Well,
why'd you do that?
Speaker 3 (53:09):
Like at the time, it was something that I felt
was necessary. At the time, I felt like it was
something I was I was doing the right thing.
Speaker 2 (53:20):
You know.
Speaker 3 (53:21):
There's a lot of things that I know now through
healing and loving myself and a lot of you know, experiences,
but I didn't know those things at that time. So
I can't be mad at me for who I used
to be. I can't be mad at me for who
somebody else was to me. That was these are these
(53:42):
men's decisions for treating me the way that they treated me.
I understand that, you know, I should have left beforehand.
But life is a learning experience. So I can't put
so much on myself and be like, well, why did
I do this? And why did I do that? And
I did that for so long and I hated myself
(54:02):
for it because I was like, you know, why does
the why do these things keep happening to me? But
I had to look at things in a different manner
for me to be able to make it through and
be okay with my process, be okay with myself, and
be okay with the things that I've been through, because
(54:25):
if it wasn't for a lot of different things that
has happened to me, I wouldn't be who I am today.
And I love who I am. I love who it
has created me to be. So if that's what it
took to create this version of me, I don't like it,
but I love me, so I'm okay with.
Speaker 1 (54:44):
It, right right? Come on? Now, that was a word
right there, child last Montalies that you would have done differently?
And if so, what was it or what is it?
Speaker 2 (55:06):
I wish that I would have.
Speaker 3 (55:11):
Loved myself before trying to love somebody else. I feel
like it would have saved me from a lot of
heartache because since I didn't love myself, I kept looking
for love through them, and because they weren't properly loving me,
I'm like, oh, well, maybe if I do this, and
(55:32):
maybe if I do that, maybe if I try this.
Maybe if I try that, you know, maybe they'll love me.
And I still didn't feel that love because the love
that I really needed I was supposed to give to myself.
So I wish I would have loved me first before
(55:52):
trying to love somebody else.
Speaker 1 (55:54):
Right, That's all I'm talking about it. Oh, this was
an amazing conversation.
Speaker 2 (55:58):
I interviews.
Speaker 1 (56:00):
They didn't allow you to like tell this this story.
Speaker 2 (56:04):
Yeah, like I.
Speaker 1 (56:06):
Feel like you was able to tell your story, but
it was very chopped up. Sorry, it was yeah right sorry.
People coming on to the show and just being transparent
and sharing your story, and I know for a fact
that it would definitely inspired everyone and encourage them to like,
you know right back.
Speaker 3 (56:27):
Yeah, yeah, I want to thank you for allowing me
to be on the show. You know, it was even
even when it comes to, you know, people not understanding
what it's like to be in an abusive relationship. You
know a lot of people have a lot of different assumptions,
(56:48):
and I was one of those people before too. You know,
I used to always be like, well, you know, why
would you put up with that? You know you deserve better.
That's not something that you know you should be doing.
And it took me going through that to be able
to humble myself and be like, oh my god, I
can't believe that this is a thing. Like it's not
(57:12):
just a physical hold, it is a complete mental hold.
Speaker 2 (57:16):
It is an emotional hold, and it's you have to completely.
Speaker 3 (57:22):
Just unfuck your mind to understand life again. So it's
it's a lot better. It makes me feel better to
be able to tell my story because I would rather
somebody hear my story and learn from it than for
them to go through what I've been through to have
(57:43):
to learn from it that way. I don't want that
for anybody. I wouldn't wish that on anybody. So I
would rather them hear my story and have an understanding
of it. In that way, maybe they can help somebody else.
Speaker 1 (57:55):
Right. Well, if y'all have any questions come as the concerns,
please make sure the email me a hello at the
pagpodcast dot com. It was a pleasure to have you
on the show and one the next time. Everyone later bye.
(58:16):
The Professional Homegirl podcast is a production of the Black
Effect podcast Network. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the
iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
favorite shows, don't forget to subscribe and rate the show,
and you can connect with me on social media at
the PG podcast
This episode contains sensitive topics. Listener discretion is advice. What's up,
Professional Homegirls? It's your girl Ebine here and I hope
all is cute. Now before we begin, let's do a
(00:22):
little housekeeping. Okay, make sure you all follow me on
social media at the Professional Homegirl on Instagram, YouTube, and TikTok,
and also at the PHG podcast on Instagram. You know,
I really need you all to support and follow these
channels because as I am growing the podcast, you know,
I would love to grow my social media platforms to
solidify some brand partnerships that I would like to work with.
(00:44):
So please hold me down, do not hold me up. Also,
we are just ten reviews away from hitting three hundred
on Apple podcasts. That is right, we are ten reviews
away from hitting three hundred and five star reviews on
Apple Podcasts. So please take a moment to leave a
five star review and show your girl some love. And
like your grandma said, if you don't have anything to say, nice,
(01:07):
do not say anything at all. And last, but not least,
as we are gearing up for season three, I am
looking for some stories. So if you have a story
you would like to share, or if you know somebody
whose story you love to have on the show, Please
make sure to email me and hello at thepsgpodcast dot com.
Now for this week's episode, I am taking it back
to one of the most unforgettable conversations from the early
(01:29):
days of the show. In this episode, my guest shares
her story about being in a relationship with someone who
was deeply obsessed with her. Now, what started off as
love quickly turned into control, manipulation, and unfortunately abuse. You know,
she opens up about her experience with domestic violence and
(01:50):
how hard it was for her to leave and what
it took to finally walk away, and most importantly, she
shares how she found her strength to heal and rebuild
her life on her own own terms. You know, this
is such a necessary conversation about the dark side of
toxic love, especially with just everything that's going on in
the world today, okay and now more than ever, it's
(02:11):
very important that we continue to share these stories and
create space for truth, healing, and last but not least community.
You know, I remember when I first recorded this episode,
and it was one of those conversations that like really
stayed with me after rewrap and you know, while we
were recording, I couldn't stop thinking about how many women
suffer in silence, how many of us, including myself, have
(02:34):
ignored red flags, you know, made excuses for these niggas,
or just stayed in situations that like really slowly but
surely chipped away at our own sense of self. So
that's why this episode hit me so hard. It was real,
it was raw, and it honestly reminded me exactly why
I started this show. So get ready, because my boyfriend
(02:56):
was obsessed with me.
Speaker 2 (02:57):
Starts now.
Speaker 1 (03:00):
I am so excited to be speaking with my guest today.
She is an author, professional baker, and I heard her
bakery is amazing, really good and as survivor of domestic
balance to my guests, thank you so much for coming
on the show. How are you.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
Feeling, I'm great, and thank you for having me.
Speaker 1 (03:18):
Of course, of course, so let's start from the beginning.
You were previously engaged before you met your ex boyfriend, right, yes,
tell us about that relationship.
Speaker 3 (03:31):
So I was with him for five years and it
was my first real relationship. So I was really naive
a lot about a lot of different things. But you know,
a little bit of trial and error basically just just
(03:55):
when it comes to relationships in general, like how nobody
should be treating you, how you shouldn't be allowing people
to treat you, how you should love yourself, how you
shouldn't allow other people to love you, Like, just a
lot of different things in regards to self love and
(04:15):
loving someone else. And there's a lot of things that
I put up with that I shouldn't have put up with.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
And basically, once it.
Speaker 3 (04:27):
Finally clicked for me that I wasn't with who I
should have been with, then I just wanted to candle
our wedding and basically be done with him. Not that
I left him for someone else. I left him to
find me right, to better myself and be who I
(04:50):
needed to be because I lost so much of myself
trying to be so much for him, right.
Speaker 1 (04:56):
And I don't know, I feel like when I was
watching your interview, was he also abusive?
Speaker 2 (05:02):
No? No, he never puts his hands on me or
anything like that. It was more more verbal abuse.
Speaker 3 (05:10):
It wasn't It wasn't physical abuse, but it was verbal abuse, right, Okay,
and emotional. So in the midst of you growing your
bacon business, because at this time y'all had split up
and yeah, who was starting over?
Speaker 1 (05:24):
You met your ex boyfriend?
Speaker 2 (05:26):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (05:27):
How did y'all meet?
Speaker 3 (05:29):
So I had already been baking for a few years.
I started baking at eighteen, so I was already baking
before I had met him. The way that I ended
up meeting my ex that was actually abusive was when
I left my ex fiance when I canceled my when
(05:52):
I canceled our wedding. Obviously, he wasn't very happy about that, so.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
I know he was.
Speaker 3 (06:01):
Yeah, yeah, he wasn't very happy about that. So I
ended up moving out and I told him that he
could keep the apartment and I was just gonna start over.
Speaker 2 (06:13):
Well, I ended up.
Speaker 3 (06:16):
Coming back to the apartment because he told me that
he couldn't afford it and I could just go ahead
and have it. So when I came back, just knowing
him over the years, I knew something was going to
be off. I knew something was wrong. I figured he
had like left the water on or let the lights
on or something like that, just something petty to just
get back at me.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
So when I got.
Speaker 3 (06:38):
Back to the house, I realized that he had taken everything,
the bed, the TV, the couch, you know, everything like that.
So you know, originally we were supposed to split that
stuff up, but you know, whatever, he just took everything.
So yeah, so I just had to start over on everything.
(07:01):
And I was in a very bad financial stance at
the time, and I had a friend that I.
Speaker 2 (07:09):
Had been friends with for a little while, and.
Speaker 3 (07:13):
He basically said that he wanted to move in as
a roommate to kind of help me get back on
my feet right. And when he ended up moving in,
we ended up, like soon being in a relationship. It
wasn't necessarily planned, but it just happened. And like before,
(07:40):
this was really the first person that I've ever really
opened up.
Speaker 1 (07:43):
To also comfortable opening up to.
Speaker 3 (07:47):
Him because he was actually somebody that wanted to get
to know me. Before when I would try to open
up to my ex fiance, he wasn't interested.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 3 (08:02):
It's basically like I was complaining about life by trying
trying to vent and it was also like how I
felt didn't matter, So I just didn't talk to him
about anything and I just kept everything aside. So this
(08:22):
was someone that you know, came into my life and
he wanted to know those things about me, you know,
he wanted to know a lot of different things about
me that I never even thought about expressing.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
So we started to get very close and the connection was.
Speaker 3 (08:42):
Crazy, and you know, we we fell in love really
fast and together it was not it was not long,
not long at all. Honestly, everything happened so fast. I
can't I want to say that we were probably only
(09:04):
together for maybe a few weeks to a month before
before things started to kind of get crazy. Like everything
was good at first, but then I started to notice
(09:31):
that he was jealous. And I was used to jealousy,
but not in the way that he was jealous, and
it made me uncomfortable. So I tried to talk to
one of my friends about it, and they were like, no,
you know, you just you've just gotten out of a relationship.
You know, you're probably just, you know, nervous that he's
going to turn out the same way that he was.
You know, give him a chance and give him the
(09:53):
opportunity to show you that he's not like that. And
I was like, Okay, you know that's valid, so let
me give him a try. So but looking back at that, now,
why do you think you didn't trust your gut feeling? Well, obviously,
now you know, I know to trust my gut feeling.
But at the same time, like, back then, you have
(10:15):
to think, this is only my second boyfriend. And I
also I felt I was in a vulnerable place right
and that was the perfect opportunity to find me. And
I was vulnerable. I needed financial stability, I needed emotional connection,
(10:37):
and I needed love. Yes, so he basically took that
opportunity and he ran with it. You know, I know
now to listen to my instincts, but back then I
just thought that I was tripping because when I would
talk to my friend about it, she would make it
seem like I was tripping. So I was like, Okay, well,
(10:58):
you know, maybe it's me. So I was like, no,
you know, there's something's off, but I couldn't exactly put
my finger on it. And I was like, well, maybe
I need to get him around some people, because it's
one thing for me to feel some a certain type
of way and tell somebody about it, but maybe if
(11:19):
they see it, they can tell me and confirm my feelings.
Speaker 2 (11:24):
So I didn't tell my family what was going on.
Speaker 3 (11:29):
I just told them that I wanted them to meet somebody,
and I wanted them to, you know, kind of see
how they.
Speaker 2 (11:36):
Felt about them.
Speaker 1 (11:37):
Right.
Speaker 3 (11:38):
So my cousin had came into town and he was
a police officer, so I was like, okay, you know,
this is the perfect opportunity for you know, me to
bring him around some people. He came in and it
was him, my uncle, my mom, and my sister, and
at first everything was fine. We were sitting there having
(11:59):
a conversation. And why my boyfriend decided to take some
drinks before we did this, I don't know, but he did.
Speaker 2 (12:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (12:08):
And also before I get to this point too, I
want to say that I think that he was schizophrenic
because a lot of times, whenever we would have some
type of argument or something would be wrong.
Speaker 2 (12:25):
It wasn't real, like it wasn't.
Speaker 3 (12:27):
Happening, but it was very real to him, and you
couldn't tell him anything like it was very real to him.
Speaker 1 (12:33):
So Y bakeup a scenario and yeah, I don't believe
that it happened you over here, Like what the hell
are you talking about, nigga?
Speaker 3 (12:41):
Yes, So, like at first everything was fine, and then
my uncle comes in and he hasn't seen me in
a while, so he's looking at the tattoos on my
arm and stuff, and he was like, okay, you know
I see you cuz you know I miss you, blah
blah blah whatever. We sitting there talking and I kind
of keep looking over at my boyfriend and he's side
(13:02):
eye at me, and.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
I'm like, okay whatever.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
So then but wait, did anybody else see how he
was looking at you?
Speaker 3 (13:10):
Nobody said anything, so I don't know if they felt
some type of way or not, because, like I said before,
my uncle, I mean, I'm sorry my cousin had walked in.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
Nothing was wrong.
Speaker 3 (13:22):
We were sitting there talking about going to church, like
we weren't having no type of issues or nothing. But
as soon as he saw my uncle, as soon as
he saw my cousin, he had an attitude. But you know,
black people, we come in all different shades and everything
like that. My cousin, he's light skinned, he has freckles
and you know, green eyes and stuff like that, so
(13:44):
he didn't believe that he.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
Was my cousin.
Speaker 3 (13:49):
Even though you're in a room with my mom, my uncle,
and my sister, he didn't believe it. So my cousin
he walks into the kitchen and my boyfriend he was like, hey,
you know, why don't you go in there, and you know,
spend some time with your cousin. You know you haven't
seen him in a while, you know, go talk to him.
(14:10):
I was like, okay, cool, So I'll go in there
and I give him another hug. And as I give
him a hug, I look over his shoulder and my
boyfriend's glaring at me, and I'm like, why is he
looking at me like this? So at that point I
didn't need to know anybody else's opinion. I didn't want
I didn't want anything to do with him anymore, because
(14:32):
there's no reason that you need to be giving me
these type of weird ass vibes like this, right, So
we prayed over the food.
Speaker 2 (14:39):
We didn't even eat. After we prayed over.
Speaker 3 (14:41):
The food, we just left because I lost my appetite
and everything, like we need to go because I was
gonna break up with him as soon as we got
in the car.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
So we we.
Speaker 3 (14:56):
Start walking out to the car and he's like storming off.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
I'm like, what the hell is his problem?
Speaker 3 (15:02):
So then he gets out to the car and he
was like, bitch, you got some balls, yeah, And I
was like what And he was like, you don't let
that nigga grab your ass.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
Right in front of me. I was like, what are
you talking about? Thank you? Thank you, that's what I'm saying.
That's what I'm saying. This is not real.
Speaker 3 (15:24):
This isn't something that literally happened. Like I literally just
gave my blood cousin they hug. That wasn't something that
literally happened. So I was like, what are you talking about? Yeah,
like what you talking about? He was like, take me
back to the house, let me grab my stuff. I
don't never want to fucking see you again. I was like, okay,
I don't ever want to see you again either. What
are you talking about? So I start driving back to
(15:46):
the house and he lights a cigarette and he puts
a cigarette out on me, and then he spits on me.
Driving on the interstate, and he starts swerving the steering wheel,
so I'm like barely missing cars. We get back to
the house and he starts packing his stuff and I
(16:08):
start trying to help him pack his stuff because you
need to go, like so he gets mad that I'm
helping him pack his stuff, Like I don't know what
he was expecting, Like, I'm.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
Gonna with you to stay. But he was like, did
you call the police?
Speaker 3 (16:23):
I said no, I didn't call the police, Like I
just want you to go, like you need to get
the fuck out, and.
Speaker 2 (16:30):
He was like, he was like, no, I know you
called the police.
Speaker 3 (16:33):
And he had like this big it was like a
sword and I had like some little intricate designs.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
On the bottom of it. Wait a sword, yeah, like
a long sword. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (16:46):
And he like chased me into the spare bedroom and
at first he held the sword to my stomach and
he said, if the police come in here, I'm killing you,
and then I'm killing me and he held it to
my throat and then I ended up running and getting
away from him, and he caught me. He hit me
(17:07):
on my eye. He hit me on my nose. And
the crazy thing about this part is like when he
hit me in my nose, my nose started bleeding and
it was like it was like he didn't do it.
So he went and he grabbed some tissue and he
starts like dotting the blood from my nose, and I
(17:29):
like pushed him away from me, and so then he
hits me again.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
So this nigga was.
Speaker 3 (17:39):
Yeah, So then he wants to go get he found
a lock, and he wants to go try to find
a sock so he could put it in the side
of it so he could beat me with it, so
that I ran. I had ran out the house, and
he ended up grabbing me, pulling me back into the house,
and he raped me. When he raped me, I have
(18:00):
blacked out, Like I don't even remember anything until the
next morning.
Speaker 1 (18:04):
Wait, nobody hurt was no, Like your neighbors didn't hear
nothing going on, Like, because I'm pretty sure.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
You were not loud exactly exactly nobody.
Speaker 3 (18:15):
Okay, So all of this when it comes to abuse,
all of this happened within a month's time. So the
thing is, I would scream so loud in the bathroom
and I would get it worse because I was screaming
so loud in the bathroom because I was trying to
(18:36):
get my neighbors to hear me.
Speaker 2 (18:37):
But nobody ever came. Nobody ever came.
Speaker 3 (18:40):
Like they would get mad and they would like throw
stuff at my car.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
Yeah, oh, and I would I would.
Speaker 3 (18:47):
Come out and have to clean up clean up my
car because I would have like mud on it, like
nobody nobody ever came for me.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Nobody. So then the next morning I woke up and.
Speaker 3 (19:05):
I tried to call the police, and he was like,
he told me that if he goes to jail, he's
not going to be in there long. And when he
gets out, he knows my schedule, he knows where I live,
he knows where I work, he knows everywhere I go.
(19:26):
And he said, I'm gonna kill you, and I'm gonna
rape your sister, and I'm going to torture your uncle.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
When I heard you said that in another interview that
you did, I feel like that was one of the
reasons why you stay longer, because you want to.
Speaker 3 (19:50):
Get family exactly, because at that point, it was basically like,
not only did I get myself in a situation, I
got them in a situation, right And you know, they
kind of got upset with me because I stayed, But
I didn't stay out of love. I stayed out of fear,
you know, and act. Yeah, And it's it's not that
(20:14):
they couldn't handle themselves. Is the fact that they shouldn't
have to They shouldn't have to watch after me all
the time because I made a bad mistake. They shouldn't
have to be looking over their shoulder and be scared
because it's something that I got them involved in.
Speaker 2 (20:29):
So basically, I had.
Speaker 3 (20:31):
I felt like I needed to get out of that
situation myself because I got myself in it.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
So and that's what I thought to do.
Speaker 3 (20:44):
And you know, the thing about him saying that he
was gonna be out of jail quick, that was real,
that was something that actually happened.
Speaker 1 (20:55):
So before.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
Yes, yes, he's now.
Speaker 3 (21:02):
I didn't know about this until after I finally got
a chance to call the police, which is like later.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
On down the line the I have.
Speaker 3 (21:15):
I have repression, So there's like certain points in areas
that I don't necessarily remember because it's something that's too
traumatizing for me.
Speaker 2 (21:25):
I literally don't remember.
Speaker 3 (21:26):
It out so yeah, my mind will just get rid
of it. So that's that's part part of the reason
why I write, because it helps me put the pieces
of my life together.
Speaker 2 (21:36):
You know, That's why I said.
Speaker 1 (21:39):
No, I was gonna say that's very common with people
who experienced trauma, that because your mind is trying to
pretty much like protect you.
Speaker 3 (21:48):
Yeah, So that's why I don't necessarily know how long
it was before all of this happened. I just know
it wasn't long, and I know one he was abusive.
I was only with him for like a few weeks
to a month while he was still abusing me, and
(22:08):
I just stayed with him until I felt like I
wasn't afraid of him anymore, because if I was going
to get away from him, I didn't want to spend
the rest of my life looking over my shoulder. I
didn't want to spend the rest of my life worried about, well,
all is he going to find me? You know, I
don't want to be scared for the rest of my life.
So I had to stop being afraid of him because
he's already taken so much of me. I can't I
(22:30):
can't allow him to have that part of me too.
So the day I finally realized that I would, I
stopped being afraid of him.
Speaker 2 (22:39):
We were at his grandma's house. Mind you, you're.
Speaker 1 (22:42):
Going to slow up, slow up? So wait, did anybody
notice anything different about you during this time? Because I'm
pretty you had the bruises to show forward.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
No. So, okay, here's the thing.
Speaker 3 (22:59):
If I had well, when I had bruises, nobody was
allowed to see me, and if I was traumatized, nobody
was allowed to see me, so he would keep.
Speaker 2 (23:08):
Me from work.
Speaker 3 (23:10):
Another thing is he had two jobs when he moved
in to help me pay for you know, everything that
was going on when he started abusing me.
Speaker 2 (23:17):
He quit both of his jobs to stock me full times.
Another thing is.
Speaker 1 (23:22):
So when he wasn't work, he quit both jobs. Yes, ma'am,
And you was at the house, Yes, that is crazy. Yes,
so he knew where I was where all times. Everything,
At all times.
Speaker 3 (23:37):
I had to answer every text, every phone call, every everything,
because I was on a schedule, you know what I mean,
Like I was hit, like I belonged to him. I
even like even when it came to work, I used
to have to go home on my lunch breaks to
(23:58):
spend it, to spend it with him, to make sure
that I wasn't around anybody else. If I was abused
the day before, I wasn't allowed to go to work
the next day because nobody could see that I was traumatized.
Nobody could see that I had bruises or anything like that.
So you know how I said he had hit me
(24:18):
in my eye. My eye was swollen shut. When my
eye was swollen shut, what he did was he pried
it open repeatedly until it would finally stay open, until
it was bloodshot red, and he sent me to work
to tell them that I had pink eye, so they
sent me back home so I could be with him,
(24:40):
and had me call my mom and tell her that
I have pink eye. My mom even showed up to
my house to give me medicine for peinky. So it
was it was crazy what happened. I met her outside
and like I couldn't even see her long. I had
(25:02):
a dog at the time, and he let my dog loose,
so I had to run and go chase my dog,
so I couldn't spend any time talking to my mom. Yeah,
and I always thought that with my dog, if anything
was to ever happen, he would protect me, because when
(25:23):
I was with my ex fiance, like if we would argue,
my dog he would lick the tears off my face
and bark at him. But when I was in my
abusive relationship, he didn't do anything. He sat on the
couch and he was like trembling.
Speaker 1 (25:40):
But he was scared too.
Speaker 3 (25:42):
Yeah, so it was crazy. Nobody nobody ever saw me.
I dropped a lot of weight, and like you could
definitely tell there was something wrong with me, but nobody
knew what it was.
Speaker 1 (26:00):
They shared the story about your niece she didn't recognize you.
Speaker 2 (26:04):
Yes, okay.
Speaker 3 (26:05):
So there was two times where he finally let me
see my friends and family. One of the times I
went to go see my friends and we were at
my friend's house and we're, you know, having fun or whatever.
He calls me and my friend takes my phone and
she was like, sorry, just can't answer the phone right now,
(26:27):
and he goes off on her. I don't know what
he said to her, but I know he went off
on her by the look on her face. And she
handed me, handed me the phone, and he was like, bitch,
you need to get home.
Speaker 2 (26:40):
Now, blah blah blah whatever.
Speaker 3 (26:42):
And so then, like my friends, they were saying, you know,
you need to get away from him, that that's that's
not safe. He can't be talking to you like that.
I was wrong with him, blah blah blah. And I
didn't want to get them involved. I was scared to
get them in because I had already got my family involved.
(27:02):
So I knew that I couldn't be with him. I
knew that I wasn't safe, but I also knew that
they weren't safe if they tried to save me. So
I said whatever I could say to keep them away
from me. I needed to Basically, I needed them to
be mad at me enough to have them leave me alone.
So I was just like, oh, you know, his dick's
too good, right.
Speaker 2 (27:22):
And.
Speaker 3 (27:25):
They obviously were pissed off and they were like no,
like that's not enough for you to stay with him,
Like that's not okay, that's not that's not something that
you are you should be putting up with. And I
was like, I know, but I couldn't. I couldn't say that.
I was just like, you know, it is, it is
what it is. I love him, I need to stay
with him. And so they were pissed and I left.
(27:46):
The time that I saw my family, I had walked
in the house and I had walked in my sister's
house and I always would see my nieces, and you know,
we had a good relationship. When I walked in the house,
one of them I had hugged them, and then the
other one I hugged and she kind of pulled away
(28:07):
from me a little bit, and I thought, she said
how are you? And I said I'm good, baby, how
are you? She said, no, who are you? And I
said I'm Auntie. She said, oh, hi, Auntie, and she
just went to go play, and just the fact that
(28:28):
she did not recognize me was just that still gives me, honestly, Like,
I don't I never thought. I felt like I was
trying to protect everybody, and I never thought that they
could still see that I wasn't me, you know what
I mean, especially especially with it being kids, Like that
(28:49):
was hard for me, that that was that's not my kids,
but that's my kids, you know, that's my baby's And
that was hard for me. But I wasn't able to
stay there long either. He ended up calling me, and
like I went upstairs to answer the phone because I
didn't want them to hear the conversation, and I ended
(29:10):
up leaving. And my sister and my family they knew
something was up, Like they didn't know what was wrong,
but they knew that something was wrong, like why you
answered the phone upstairs? Like why haven't we seen you?
Why are you losing so much weight? Like they knew
something was wrong, but they didn't know what was wrong.
Speaker 1 (29:29):
So I'm assuming that I'm assuming that your family liked him.
Speaker 3 (29:36):
No no, no, no, they didn't like him. They definitely
didn't like him, but they didn't know why I was
with him. They didn't like him, they didn't trust him,
Like after that night that they that we were together
when we left, after like after I was finally able
to really talk to them, they told me that, you know,
(29:58):
they was pretty much ready to fight him, Like they
didn't they didn't like him, the energy that he was bringing.
They knew something was wrong, but they didn't know it
was to that extent, because.
Speaker 2 (30:11):
You it's it was.
Speaker 3 (30:13):
Literally like two different people talking to him, like it
was like Jacklin Hide, like he just he had like
a completely different persona to him, and like they didn't
like him, but they didn't know that it was like that.
Speaker 2 (30:31):
M So.
Speaker 3 (30:35):
I ended up leaving and you know, going back home,
and that was act. But the day I realized that
I finally stopped being afraid of him, we were at
his grandma's house. And now the thing with his family
is his family and his friends, they didn't know that
he was a beast towards me because the stuff that
(30:57):
he would do, like before hand, he would try to
hide it, but after a while he couldn't hide it anymore, so.
Speaker 1 (31:05):
He would do it in front of his family and friends. Yes,
So that says a lot right there.
Speaker 3 (31:11):
Yeah, And I think I think that his family was
afraid of him because basically, any time he would get outraged,
they would just kick us out, like they wouldn't. They
wouldn't try to help the situation, like nothing was done,
like they they would just kick us out and that
would just be that, like they didn't. They don't want
(31:32):
to see it. They didn't want to be a part
of it. So we were at his grandma's house and
at this point I wasn't supposed to make eye contact
with people. He told me that the eyes of the
window to the soul, so nobody should be making direct
eye contact with me except for him.
Speaker 4 (31:51):
So yeah, so at this point you just stay in
the house. Yeah, but he wanted to party every night,
so we would go out with his friends and his
family and he would want to party.
Speaker 3 (32:06):
So but he didn't want me to make eye contact
with anybody. So his cousin had came in, and when
his cousin, when his cousin came in, he said hi
to the both of us, and when he said hi
to me, he got mad because he thought that we
looked at each other. And at this point he had
taken my gun because I had a gun. But like
(32:28):
after he started abusing me, he obviously took it from
me and at that point it was his. So so
he had my gun in his pocket or whatever, and
he's going off and he was like, oh, you fucking her,
and y'all I knew you was a hoe and all
this other stuff like just going off. I'm like, bro, like,
what the fuck are you even talking about? Like all
(32:49):
he did was say hi, like what is your problem?
And so his grandma was like, uhh, y'all not gonna
be doing all that up in here, and she ended
up kicking us out. So when he when when she
kicks us out, he was talking about shooting his tires
out and he was like he ain't never gonna be
able to see you again. I can't believe you'd be
(33:10):
coming out here and seeing him and all this shit
y'all got going. I'm like, bro, like that's not happening,
Like that's not real.
Speaker 2 (33:16):
Like no, So we ended up getting into the car.
We got in a car and.
Speaker 3 (33:27):
At this point he points the gun at me and
I'm driving on the interstate and he was like, I
should kill you. And at this point, like I felt
like there wasn't anything else that he could do. To me,
like you've literally done anything that you could possibly do
(33:48):
to me, and this isn't no way for me to live.
So if you're gonna do it, like stop talking about it,
just fucking do it. So I said pull it and
he said what he said, you think I won't?
Speaker 2 (33:59):
I said pull it. So he put the gun in
my head and he said I should kill you.
Speaker 3 (34:05):
And I just started screaming and I started driving faster,
and I said.
Speaker 2 (34:09):
Pull it, pull it, pull it, and I just went
crazy and wow, I put the gun down. Yeah, just here.
Speaker 1 (34:20):
And that part also make me just like my heart
breaks for you because at that point you were just
you get you, you was you was done?
Speaker 2 (34:27):
Yeah, I was done.
Speaker 3 (34:29):
And at this point and if you would have shot me,
we both would have been dead. I'm on to Intersey
Drive and like what are you talking about? Like we're
both about to die? Like I can't, I can't do
this anymore. And I just had got to the point
where it was just like this, this, this is not living.
Like what am I holding on to life for? If
this is what life is, I'm not doing it. So
(34:54):
he at that point I scared him, and he put
the gun down and he was quiet the rest of
the car ride, and like he was cool the rest
of the night. But that was when I realized that
I wasn't scared. I wasn't scared of him anymore. So
(35:14):
basically it was a matter of how am I going
to get away from him? So when I planned on
getting away from him, the only way that I could
think to do it was to get to work to
be able to call the police. So usually, like I said,
if we fought the night before, I could not go
to work because nobody can see that I'm traumatized.
Speaker 2 (35:34):
Nobody can see that I have bruises, none of that stuff.
Speaker 3 (35:37):
So I needed to get through a day without fighting
with him, And it was an everyday thing like I
couldn't even I couldn't even use the restroom by myself.
I had to have the door open while I'm using
the restroom because he needed to see and make sure
that I'm not I'm not on the phone trying to
call the police, I'm not trying to text another man.
Speaker 2 (35:59):
I'm not.
Speaker 3 (36:01):
I'm not trying to do something to try to fight
him with or whatever. So anything that I was doing,
he had to know what I was doing. Even phone calls,
phone calls had to be answered on speakerphone so he
can hear what we're talking about. He went through all
my text messages to know what I'm talking about everything.
So anyways, I needed to I needed to be able
(36:28):
to get to work, to be able to call the police.
And the reason why I never called the police before
is because that whole time, I was still afraid of him,
and I thought that if I put him in jail,
he would have came back after me. But at that point,
since I wasn't afraid of him anymore, it was just
like fucking he come back after me.
Speaker 2 (36:44):
He gonna have to. He know that we're gonna be fighting.
Speaker 3 (36:48):
So the next day, I think it was the weekend,
I want to say it was like a Sunday or something.
I don't know, but we had went to one of
his friends' parties and we get to the party. I
didn't even want to do anything at the party because
(37:11):
I already know how he operates. So I went into
a room by myself and I found in the Rubik's
Cube in there, and I started playing with the Rubi's Cube.
I just need something to occupy my time with and
and and just be busy, like I need to do
something that's not going to have me fighting. We were
(37:41):
at the party and people keep walking past and they
were like, uh, you know, why don't you come join
the party, blah blah blah, you know why you're hear
by your cell phone?
Speaker 2 (37:50):
Was like, no, I'm good. You know, y'all go out there,
y'all have fun. I'm good.
Speaker 3 (37:54):
And so then he comes in there and he was like,
why you went here being weird? Sitting here playing on
the Ruber's Cube And he was like, you're in here
trying to be all sexy and shit because I have
my legs crossed. He's like, you in here trying to
be all sexy and shit, you know, trying to attract
all these men.
Speaker 2 (38:12):
I'm like, oh my god.
Speaker 3 (38:13):
So then he was like, he was like, I want
you to come out here and enjoy the party. I
was like, no, I don't want to enjoy the party,
Like I don't want to fight with you tonight, Like
I'm just trying to have a cool night. He was like, no,
you know, we're not gonna fight.
Speaker 2 (38:25):
We okay.
Speaker 3 (38:26):
He was like, We're not gonna fight tonight. I just
want I just want us to, you know, go enjoy
the party. I was like, okay, So we go out
to the party. Soon as we go out there, they
had a bartender. Now we're at somebody's house. So says,
we're asked somebody's house.
Speaker 2 (38:45):
I don't know what type of drink this man makes.
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (38:49):
So he asked me what type of drink I wanted
and I said, I don't know. Surprise me. So here
goes my boyfriend. He gets mad again and he was like, oh,
you know him, Joe. He gets mad and he starts
punching me in front of the whole party. So everybody
starts grabbing him off of me, and they're trying to
(39:11):
like push us away from each other. I have one
of his friends walking past me and they like whispered
in my ear. Get out while you still can. The
girls they tried to talk to me and they were like,
are you living with him? And I was like yeah,
and they were like, how are you going to get away?
I was like I don't know, and I was like
I'm trying to figure it out, and they were like,
(39:33):
oh my god. And I was like, I know, I'm trying.
I don't know what to do, but I'm trying to
figure it out. I was like, I was like, it's.
Speaker 2 (39:40):
Been like this, And so then we ended up getting.
Speaker 3 (39:44):
Kicked out of the party because the whole time at
that point, they had to keep pulling him off of me,
because anytime I would get away, he would just come
and attack me again. So they just kicked us out
of the party. So we ended up leaving and we
ended up going back home. When we went back home,
he shut all the lights off in the house, and
(40:08):
he got a lighter and some hairspray and he made
a blow torch and he chased me around the house
in the dark with the blow torch, and then he
turned the lights on.
Speaker 2 (40:20):
He told me I had.
Speaker 3 (40:21):
Beautiful flesh, and he went and got some seasoning salt
and ketch up and he poured it on me, and
he started biting at me, not like biting actually into
like break skin. It was basically just to like torment
me and traumatize me. And he just like bit at
me for like the rest of the night. And at
(40:42):
this point, my phone's dead.
Speaker 2 (40:46):
I don't know where my phone is.
Speaker 3 (40:50):
And I needed my alarm to go off to be
able to get to work. I knew that since we fought,
I wasn't gonna be able to get to work, to
be able to call the police, and it was just
it was a big mess. So I didn't know how
I was gonna do what I needed to do. So
I prayed and I was like, you know, if you
can get me out of this situation, I will make
(41:12):
sure that I'm never in the situation again, Like I
will do whatever I need to do to fix me
and to fix my situation by myself, Like, just please
get me out of this situation. I can't I can't
do this by myself anymore. And usually my alarm would
go off at seven point thirty, I said, seven twenty seven,
a little blackbird came and staying next to my window,
(41:34):
and I woke up.
Speaker 2 (41:35):
What is Sally?
Speaker 1 (41:36):
What do you think that blackbird symbolized? And during that moment.
Speaker 2 (41:40):
So I had looked it up and it was like.
Speaker 3 (41:44):
My representation of it was like it said it was
a messenger bird, And you know, I felt like that
that was God telling me, like you this is what
you prayed for, Like, like show me what you're gonna do.
We usually usually he he was always up before me
(42:05):
because he needed to make sure that I'm not doing
something I'm not supposed to be doing, so he would
always be up before me. This time, he was still
drunk and he couldn't move out of the bed, and
I was able to get dressed and be able to
leave and go to work. And when I got to work,
(42:28):
I had talked to my manager, and my manager she
didn't exactly know what was going on, but she knows
that I've been off and she knows I wasn't myself,
so I had.
Speaker 2 (42:41):
I had told her what was going on, and I
told her I.
Speaker 3 (42:46):
Needed to call the police because if if there was
ever a time where he did come back, I needed
her to know that he was not supposed to be there.
Speaker 2 (42:54):
So I I called the police.
Speaker 3 (43:00):
When I talked to the police, I didn't know if
I was gonna be able to put him in jail
because nobody had ever saw me being abused, so I
didn't have any bruises on me.
Speaker 2 (43:14):
I didn't know.
Speaker 3 (43:16):
Yeah, I had no evidence, so I was like, I
don't know how I'm gonna put him in jail.
Speaker 2 (43:20):
But I found out that he had he had a
worn out.
Speaker 3 (43:26):
For child support, so I called them and I was like, hey,
it's a man in my house. He has a worn
out for child support. Can you please come get him?
And so they pulled up, and you know, I went
to go talk talk to him in his car, and
I was like, listen, I said, I know that I
called y all about the warrant, but this man has
(43:48):
been beating on me and I don't know what to do.
Speaker 2 (43:52):
I need him out of my house and I'm not safe.
Speaker 3 (43:57):
And he looked up his record. And when he looked
up his record, he was like, I'm not going in
there by myself. He said, he has a warrant, he
has a history of violence. I'm not going in there
by myself. So he called for backup. When he called
for backup, he said, I don't even want you to
be here when we take him to jail. So they
(44:19):
had me give them my key, and I went to
McDonald's and then after they arrested him, they came back
and gave me back my key, and you know, went
ahead and took him to jail. Now, later on I
ended up looking up his record before.
Speaker 2 (44:37):
Me, he had.
Speaker 3 (44:41):
He had a charge for what was it domestic violence
and it was confinement of a minor and the mother.
And then after me there's also been two other counts.
(45:08):
Why this man is still out on the streets, I
don't know.
Speaker 1 (45:11):
So he's out of jail now.
Speaker 3 (45:14):
Yeah, he wasn't even in there long for me. They
told me that he was supposed to be in jail
for at least thirty days for the child support. He
got bailed out in three days. In there for three days.
And when they bailed him out, it was on my birthday.
You know, Usually you'll wake up, you'll have like a
(45:36):
lot of messages like on Facebook and Instagram and stuff
like that for like happy birthdays. So I woke up
to a whole bunch of messages and I'm thinking that's
what it was. No, I had eighty seven miss text
messages and like thirty seven missed phone calls. Every single
one of them was from him, And he was like
at first, just started off all nights and he was like, baby,
(45:58):
I'm out of jail and I'm on my way. I
can't wait to see you when I love you and
I miss you. I got out for your birthday, like
oh stuff, and yeah, and then like I had talked
to I had talked to my family and I let
them know what had been going on. Because if they
(46:18):
saw him around, they needed to know that he was
not supposed to be there. So somebody, somebody has sent
him a message saying, you know, you need to leave
you the loan.
Speaker 2 (46:31):
You know you you come around blah blah blah.
Speaker 3 (46:34):
And so he sends me the message and he was like, oh,
you got a new nigga already. I knew you was
fucking around. Like just escalated from there. Yeah, and he
was like, well, I'm He was like, I'm coming back.
I'm gonna beat your ass. I'm gonna do this, and
I'm gonna do that, blah blah blah whatever. So I'm like,
what the fuck.
Speaker 2 (46:54):
So then.
Speaker 3 (46:58):
Trying to reach out to you recently, No no, no, no, no,
hell no, no.
Speaker 2 (47:03):
He hasn't.
Speaker 3 (47:04):
It was it was literally only that day and he
was trying to get his stuff. I took all his
stuff to his grandma's house, and his grandma was saying that,
you know, they never really had him at any family
functions because he would always like be outraged and he
would basically ruin the party because everybody will be having
(47:28):
a good time, but he would just blow up because
of whatever, and he would ruin parties and stuff.
Speaker 2 (47:34):
Like that.
Speaker 3 (47:34):
So you know he has a history of this. You know,
this is this is somebody he's always been. Like I said,
I don't know why this man is still out. I
don't know why he's able to just roam this earth
like he's not destroying people and things and everything, Like
I don't I don't get it. So so anyways, I
(47:58):
ended up giving his grandma all his stuff, and I
ended up going back home and he was talking about
he was gonna kill himself and all this stuff, and
I was just like, I don't care.
Speaker 2 (48:09):
And so then.
Speaker 3 (48:15):
He finally stopped messaging me because I think he just
realized I was a different person at that point, and
I think he could realize that I wasn't afraid of
him anymore, and I think it genuinely bothered him. And
I also think that he just didn't want to go
back to jail, so so he he never reached out
(48:36):
to me after that. The only other time that I
saw him is I was actually decorating, or not decorating.
I was delivering a cake order and he was at
the party and it was like he knew that I
was going to be there because he was sitting in
the dark on some stairs, and like, I could see
the lining of his body.
Speaker 2 (48:54):
I know that man anywhere.
Speaker 3 (48:56):
I could see the lining of his body, and he
was just sitting there staring at me, and I just left.
And that was the only time that had seen him.
After that, He's never messaged me or anything after that.
But I also had him blocked, like after after I
put him in jail, I blocked him and his messages
and stuff like that.
Speaker 1 (49:15):
So yeah, so what is your relationship like with yourself
now and what role did healing play in it?
Speaker 2 (49:25):
So it took a lot of healing and.
Speaker 3 (49:30):
Forgiving myself, forgiving myself for putting myself in a situation,
forgiving myself, for for not loving myself more for not
for allowing myself to be in a certain situation. So
I had to do a lot of self reflection. But
I also had to do I had to work on
(49:51):
my trust. I had to learn how to trust other people,
had to learn to trust my instincts.
Speaker 2 (49:55):
I had to learn.
Speaker 3 (49:58):
To defend myself. I had to learn a lot of
different things. I had to learn to love myself. Loving
myself was hard for a long time, Like I couldn't
even look at myself in the mirror, because there's so
much shame that comes with being in a domestic violence situation,
because even though they're the monster that has done all
(50:21):
these things, everybody's mad at you and they're like, well,
why would you do this? You know all these all
these good men out here, all these good men out here,
and you know, you decided you wanted to be with
this one. And if like, there's there's no sign up
sheet for abuse, Like if I knew that that was
the outcome of him moving in, if I knew that
(50:43):
was an outcome of me loving him, I would have
never been with him in the first place, right, And
I felt like I would have been safe. I want
to stayed longer, you know what I mean. So it
was it was a lot of different things that people
didn't understand. So then I had to learn to be
okay with people not understanding. I had to learn to
(51:03):
be okay with people not wanting to hear my side
of the story. I had to be okay with people
looking down on me because I was abused. I had
to be okay with a lot of different things just
to be able to heal and to love myself and
to be able to move forward in life, but I
(51:25):
did it, and I do love myself and I do
care about myself.
Speaker 2 (51:28):
I care about my well my well being, and.
Speaker 3 (51:32):
I'm very proud of myself, you know what I mean,
Like I don't I'm definitely not a perfect person, but
I'm definitely an amazing person. And I think that you know,
the fact that there's a lot of different times that
I could have died and I'm still here. There's a
(51:52):
lot of different times where I could have hurt other
people because of what I was going through.
Speaker 2 (51:56):
And no one else got hurt, you know, So.
Speaker 3 (52:04):
A lot of I feel like a lot of times
when we go through traumatic experiences, people get mad at God,
like you know, why is this happening? And you know,
I didn't deserve this and everything like that, and absolutely
like I don't deserve this. But however, the fact that
I am still here and I don't have a scratch
(52:25):
on me, the fact that I am still here and
I'm able to love again, I'm able to trust again,
I'm able to heal, I'm able to love, the fact
that I'm still able to grow and prosper, and you know,
do these amazing things in the world. Was God's grace
for me, So I can't. I can't sit and be
(52:46):
mad at God for certain decisions that I've made and
certain decisions that other people have made.
Speaker 2 (52:53):
And I also can't.
Speaker 3 (52:56):
Put so much on myself either, because so many people,
like when I would tell my story, they would be like,
you know, well, why did you do this?
Speaker 2 (53:05):
Well, why'd you go pick him up? Why'd you do this? Well,
why'd you do that?
Speaker 3 (53:09):
Like at the time, it was something that I felt
was necessary. At the time, I felt like it was
something I was I was doing the right thing.
Speaker 2 (53:20):
You know.
Speaker 3 (53:21):
There's a lot of things that I know now through
healing and loving myself and a lot of you know, experiences,
but I didn't know those things at that time. So
I can't be mad at me for who I used
to be. I can't be mad at me for who
somebody else was to me. That was these are these
(53:42):
men's decisions for treating me the way that they treated me.
I understand that, you know, I should have left beforehand.
But life is a learning experience. So I can't put
so much on myself and be like, well, why did
I do this? And why did I do that? And
I did that for so long and I hated myself
(54:02):
for it because I was like, you know, why does
the why do these things keep happening to me? But
I had to look at things in a different manner
for me to be able to make it through and
be okay with my process, be okay with myself, and
be okay with the things that I've been through, because
(54:25):
if it wasn't for a lot of different things that
has happened to me, I wouldn't be who I am today.
And I love who I am. I love who it
has created me to be. So if that's what it
took to create this version of me, I don't like it,
but I love me, so I'm okay with.
Speaker 1 (54:44):
It, right right? Come on? Now, that was a word
right there, child last Montalies that you would have done differently?
And if so, what was it or what is it?
Speaker 2 (55:06):
I wish that I would have.
Speaker 3 (55:11):
Loved myself before trying to love somebody else. I feel
like it would have saved me from a lot of
heartache because since I didn't love myself, I kept looking
for love through them, and because they weren't properly loving me,
I'm like, oh, well, maybe if I do this, and
(55:32):
maybe if I do that, maybe if I try this.
Maybe if I try that, you know, maybe they'll love me.
And I still didn't feel that love because the love
that I really needed I was supposed to give to myself.
So I wish I would have loved me first before
(55:52):
trying to love somebody else.
Speaker 1 (55:54):
Right, That's all I'm talking about it. Oh, this was
an amazing conversation.
Speaker 2 (55:58):
I interviews.
Speaker 1 (56:00):
They didn't allow you to like tell this this story.
Speaker 2 (56:04):
Yeah, like I.
Speaker 1 (56:06):
Feel like you was able to tell your story, but
it was very chopped up. Sorry, it was yeah right sorry.
People coming on to the show and just being transparent
and sharing your story, and I know for a fact
that it would definitely inspired everyone and encourage them to like,
you know right back.
Speaker 3 (56:27):
Yeah, yeah, I want to thank you for allowing me
to be on the show. You know, it was even
even when it comes to, you know, people not understanding
what it's like to be in an abusive relationship. You
know a lot of people have a lot of different assumptions,
(56:48):
and I was one of those people before too. You know,
I used to always be like, well, you know, why
would you put up with that? You know you deserve better.
That's not something that you know you should be doing.
And it took me going through that to be able
to humble myself and be like, oh my god, I
can't believe that this is a thing. Like it's not
(57:12):
just a physical hold, it is a complete mental hold.
Speaker 2 (57:16):
It is an emotional hold, and it's you have to completely.
Speaker 3 (57:22):
Just unfuck your mind to understand life again. So it's
it's a lot better. It makes me feel better to
be able to tell my story because I would rather
somebody hear my story and learn from it than for
them to go through what I've been through to have
(57:43):
to learn from it that way. I don't want that
for anybody. I wouldn't wish that on anybody. So I
would rather them hear my story and have an understanding
of it. In that way, maybe they can help somebody else.
Speaker 1 (57:55):
Right. Well, if y'all have any questions come as the concerns,
please make sure the email me a hello at the
pagpodcast dot com. It was a pleasure to have you
on the show and one the next time. Everyone later bye.
(58:16):
The Professional Homegirl podcast is a production of the Black
Effect podcast Network. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the
iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
favorite shows, don't forget to subscribe and rate the show,
and you can connect with me on social media at
the PG podcast
Host
Eboné Almon
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